Our Journey to Ella: Part Two
When I started my blog and planned out my posts, today's post seemed so far away and I was sure I would be ready to talk about these tough topics by March 20th. Discussing something so personal is hard, but at the same time, I want to help others who may be going through a similar experience. I'm not sure if I am ready, but I wrote them any way. I posted part one of our journey on Monday. You can find it here. Today I am discussing our fertility treatments.
Following my miscarriage and D&C, the doctors had told us we could start 'trying' again in 2 months which would be February. I had a few more ultrasounds where a few cysts and fibroids were discovered. They all would cleared up on their own. Another 8 months went by without any positive pregnancy test. All of my labs came back normal {FSH, prolactin, LH, testosterone} and Dan had some lab work which was normal as well.
My doctor decided to start me on Clomid in November 2015. I started the Clomid on day 3 of my cycle and took the medication for 5 days. We had strict instructions on how to encourage a pregnancy. We took this medication for four months with no luck {but lots of hormonal irritability}. We were always counting days for something and playing the waiting game. It honestly ran our life.
Finally in March 2016, over a year after my miscarriage, we were referred to reproductive medicine. Anyone who has struggled to conceive knows you become desperate. You are longing for this baby that seems out of reach. You wonder if you are doing the right thing. Is this not in the cards for me? Should I just stop trying? Am I going against the Lord's wishes?
Others who have gone through this also know this is not a quick process. You have a ton of appointments, you understand your cycle more than you ever thought would matter, your life is measured in what day of your cycle you are on, you will miss a lot of work, you will have piles and piles of doctor bills that aren't covered by insurance, things done for enjoyment are now timed tasks, and after it all, you may not have a baby.
This doesn't even touch the emotional side of things. It is hard for me to even describe this process. Along with understanding your cycle, you have the cycle of feelings. Hope. Work. Frustration. Patience. Annoyance. Excitement. Disappointment. And with all the drugs, I could go from 0 - 60 in seconds.
At this point in our story, I was conflicted in so many different ways. Our boys were older now {6 and 3}. If we got pregnant, I knew they would be at least 4 1/2 and 7 1/2 when the baby was born. I thought I was being greedy. We had two healthy boys. Life was becoming easier. I felt guilt for having two healthy boys while others were trying for their first baby and would be satisfied with one child. My faith was tested. I didn't know if fertility treatments were a part of God's plan for me. I knew our savings would be dwindled with medical costs. We were conflicted. We went to our first reproductive medicine appointment with open minds and big hearts.
After our first appointment with an amazing doctor, we were confident she could help us. It felt right. I knew we were meant to be a family of five. She made us feel like we were making the right decision {along with endless prayer}. She ensured us that it may not be easy, but it would be worth it. Cue to the start of 7 doctor appointments in a month and more ultrasounds than I can count. I am not going to talk about each individual appointment because with all the tests and ultrasounds, I can't remember what happened when.
Our first appointment was all about my history and a bunch of lab work. I honestly can't even remember all of the blood work that was done. I just remember my doctor saying, we are going to do some tests to figure out what is going on. FINALLY. Something other than an ultrasound. After this, we set up my next appointment for a few days before my next cycle was to begin. At that appointment, it was decided I needed to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which is where they insert dye into my uterus to determine if both fallopian tubes are open as well as if the shape of my uterine cavity is normal. As they insert the dye, they take x-rays. The reproductive doctor performed this procedure and talked to us about it the whole time. We found out one of my fallopian tubes was partially blocked. She was able to open it during the procedure. This gave her confidence that we were moving in the right direction and was my first answer.
After a few ultrasounds, it was determined that I needed a biopsy on a fibroid {or cyst..I can't remember now}. This was a less than pleasant procedure but the results were normal. After a few more ultrasounds, we started the fertility medication Femara. The reproductive clinic monitors you so closely during this process. You have a pre-ultrasound and blood work and then you have an ultrasound after you take the medication to measure mature follicles plus more blood work. They want to make sure you do not have too many mature follicles. At this point, they also gave me an injection {yes, a shot} I was to take on a certain day to release my eggs. This was new for me and I was super nervous. They recommended having someone else do it for you, but Dan is so afraid of needles, he wouldn't get close. Of course, my amazing sister offered to help but I said I would attempt it myself. I did it one morning {poked myself twice because I messed up the first time} and went about my day administering the ACT test to our students. I had another ultrasound 3 days later to make sure I had ovulated and then we played the game we were good at, the waiting game.
The waiting game we had been playing for a year and a half. The game where I watch what I eat and drink. I avoid alcohol. Drink plenty of water. Take the awful prenatal vitamins. Wonder if my tired days are signs I may be pregnant, wonder if every single feeling is a sign of pregnancy. Stomach ache, bloating, nausea, sore breasts, food cravings, food aversions. Thanks Google.
About two weeks later we got the positive pregnancy test. I was so excited, but so hesitant. I didn't want to tell ANYONE but Dan. I didn't want to let myself be excited. For the next 4 weeks, I had blood work and an ultrasound every week. At 6 weeks, I was referred back to my OB for regular OB care. Every morning and every time I used the bathroom I had to check to make sure there was no blood. For my whole pregnancy, I worried I would miscarry. I didn't take any pregnancy photos. I really didn't want to let myself be excited.
I was diagnosed with secondary infertility for unknown reasons. It is so frustrating when the doctors don't know why. It could be due to my partially blocked fallopian tube or it could have been for a reason we will never know. Dan and I both had normal labs and normal exams. Many other women {and men} are faced with additional challenges with their bodies. PCOS. Endometriosis. Fibroids. Low sperm count. Poor ovarian reserve. So many other reasons.
We were lucky/blessed/fortunate. We went through ONE round of fertility treatments at reproductive medicine. To this day, I still feel guilty about this. I have SO many friends/family who are going through fertility treatments or know people going through fertility treatments. Many are for their first child. They started long before I did and still don't have their baby. We didn't have to do IUI's or IVF. I honestly don't know how they do it. Day after day, month after month, procedure after procedure, bill after bill. It has to seem like a never ending marathon. My heart goes out to all of them, especially the ones going through it all right now.
I didn't want to do a big Facebook announcement but wanted to announce my news at the same time. I had waited two years for this. When you miscarry or are going through fertility treatments, it seems like EVERYBODY else is pregnant. And there I was with mythird fourth baby. Overwhelming guilt. I didn't want others to feel hurt like I had felt with all the never ending pregnancy announcements, complaints, 'accidental' pregnancies, easy pregnancies, 'we only tried once' stories, etc. And, WHAT IF something happened to the baby. An announcement was scary. But then I remembered, although I was sometimes hurt that it wasn't me that was pregnant, I was always happy for them. And in those times, I was also hopeful for myself. I was allowed to be excited. It was healthy for me to be excited.
I did finally announce my pregnancy at 6 months. I knew that if I wanted to post any pictures to Facebook, it would be quite obvious I was pregnant. This was the picture with the caption: Taking in the beautiful view from Lutsen...we are all excited that when we come back in a few months we will have a baby to bring with us!
I still with I could have put a disclaimer: please don't be upset or hurt with my announcement, this baby didn't come easy and we know we are blessed.
Again, some things I learned:
Taken from my part one post, try not to ask acquaintances the questions, "are you having kids", "are you having a third kid", "when are going to start trying" "it's about time for another". Unless you really know the person, they may have been trying for years. Not every persons story turns out the way ours did or the way yours did.
And PLEASE, don't do April Fool's Day pregnancy jokes. This isn't a joke. You don't know what some of your Facebook 'friends' are going through. I understand it is meant to be funny, but pick something else. This is sensitive. Raw. Real. It is not a joke. It is a daily struggle that makes men and women feel helpless and hurt.
To conclude, pray for your friends who are going through fertility. Pray for your friends who are pregnant. Listen to them if they choose to tell you about their story. Never underestimate what a person may be going through or what it took to get there.
We are so thankful for all of our kids even though they all came to us a bit differently. We know our family is complete and I pray that one day, you will be able to know that feeling, too.
Following my miscarriage and D&C, the doctors had told us we could start 'trying' again in 2 months which would be February. I had a few more ultrasounds where a few cysts and fibroids were discovered. They all would cleared up on their own. Another 8 months went by without any positive pregnancy test. All of my labs came back normal {FSH, prolactin, LH, testosterone} and Dan had some lab work which was normal as well.
My doctor decided to start me on Clomid in November 2015. I started the Clomid on day 3 of my cycle and took the medication for 5 days. We had strict instructions on how to encourage a pregnancy. We took this medication for four months with no luck {but lots of hormonal irritability}. We were always counting days for something and playing the waiting game. It honestly ran our life.
Finally in March 2016, over a year after my miscarriage, we were referred to reproductive medicine. Anyone who has struggled to conceive knows you become desperate. You are longing for this baby that seems out of reach. You wonder if you are doing the right thing. Is this not in the cards for me? Should I just stop trying? Am I going against the Lord's wishes?
Others who have gone through this also know this is not a quick process. You have a ton of appointments, you understand your cycle more than you ever thought would matter, your life is measured in what day of your cycle you are on, you will miss a lot of work, you will have piles and piles of doctor bills that aren't covered by insurance, things done for enjoyment are now timed tasks, and after it all, you may not have a baby.
This doesn't even touch the emotional side of things. It is hard for me to even describe this process. Along with understanding your cycle, you have the cycle of feelings. Hope. Work. Frustration. Patience. Annoyance. Excitement. Disappointment. And with all the drugs, I could go from 0 - 60 in seconds.
At this point in our story, I was conflicted in so many different ways. Our boys were older now {6 and 3}. If we got pregnant, I knew they would be at least 4 1/2 and 7 1/2 when the baby was born. I thought I was being greedy. We had two healthy boys. Life was becoming easier. I felt guilt for having two healthy boys while others were trying for their first baby and would be satisfied with one child. My faith was tested. I didn't know if fertility treatments were a part of God's plan for me. I knew our savings would be dwindled with medical costs. We were conflicted. We went to our first reproductive medicine appointment with open minds and big hearts.
After our first appointment with an amazing doctor, we were confident she could help us. It felt right. I knew we were meant to be a family of five. She made us feel like we were making the right decision {along with endless prayer}. She ensured us that it may not be easy, but it would be worth it. Cue to the start of 7 doctor appointments in a month and more ultrasounds than I can count. I am not going to talk about each individual appointment because with all the tests and ultrasounds, I can't remember what happened when.
Our first appointment was all about my history and a bunch of lab work. I honestly can't even remember all of the blood work that was done. I just remember my doctor saying, we are going to do some tests to figure out what is going on. FINALLY. Something other than an ultrasound. After this, we set up my next appointment for a few days before my next cycle was to begin. At that appointment, it was decided I needed to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which is where they insert dye into my uterus to determine if both fallopian tubes are open as well as if the shape of my uterine cavity is normal. As they insert the dye, they take x-rays. The reproductive doctor performed this procedure and talked to us about it the whole time. We found out one of my fallopian tubes was partially blocked. She was able to open it during the procedure. This gave her confidence that we were moving in the right direction and was my first answer.
After a few ultrasounds, it was determined that I needed a biopsy on a fibroid {or cyst..I can't remember now}. This was a less than pleasant procedure but the results were normal. After a few more ultrasounds, we started the fertility medication Femara. The reproductive clinic monitors you so closely during this process. You have a pre-ultrasound and blood work and then you have an ultrasound after you take the medication to measure mature follicles plus more blood work. They want to make sure you do not have too many mature follicles. At this point, they also gave me an injection {yes, a shot} I was to take on a certain day to release my eggs. This was new for me and I was super nervous. They recommended having someone else do it for you, but Dan is so afraid of needles, he wouldn't get close. Of course, my amazing sister offered to help but I said I would attempt it myself. I did it one morning {poked myself twice because I messed up the first time} and went about my day administering the ACT test to our students. I had another ultrasound 3 days later to make sure I had ovulated and then we played the game we were good at, the waiting game.
The waiting game we had been playing for a year and a half. The game where I watch what I eat and drink. I avoid alcohol. Drink plenty of water. Take the awful prenatal vitamins. Wonder if my tired days are signs I may be pregnant, wonder if every single feeling is a sign of pregnancy. Stomach ache, bloating, nausea, sore breasts, food cravings, food aversions. Thanks Google.
About two weeks later we got the positive pregnancy test. I was so excited, but so hesitant. I didn't want to tell ANYONE but Dan. I didn't want to let myself be excited. For the next 4 weeks, I had blood work and an ultrasound every week. At 6 weeks, I was referred back to my OB for regular OB care. Every morning and every time I used the bathroom I had to check to make sure there was no blood. For my whole pregnancy, I worried I would miscarry. I didn't take any pregnancy photos. I really didn't want to let myself be excited.
I was diagnosed with secondary infertility for unknown reasons. It is so frustrating when the doctors don't know why. It could be due to my partially blocked fallopian tube or it could have been for a reason we will never know. Dan and I both had normal labs and normal exams. Many other women {and men} are faced with additional challenges with their bodies. PCOS. Endometriosis. Fibroids. Low sperm count. Poor ovarian reserve. So many other reasons.
We were lucky/blessed/fortunate. We went through ONE round of fertility treatments at reproductive medicine. To this day, I still feel guilty about this. I have SO many friends/family who are going through fertility treatments or know people going through fertility treatments. Many are for their first child. They started long before I did and still don't have their baby. We didn't have to do IUI's or IVF. I honestly don't know how they do it. Day after day, month after month, procedure after procedure, bill after bill. It has to seem like a never ending marathon. My heart goes out to all of them, especially the ones going through it all right now.
I didn't want to do a big Facebook announcement but wanted to announce my news at the same time. I had waited two years for this. When you miscarry or are going through fertility treatments, it seems like EVERYBODY else is pregnant. And there I was with my
I did finally announce my pregnancy at 6 months. I knew that if I wanted to post any pictures to Facebook, it would be quite obvious I was pregnant. This was the picture with the caption: Taking in the beautiful view from Lutsen...we are all excited that when we come back in a few months we will have a baby to bring with us!
I still with I could have put a disclaimer: please don't be upset or hurt with my announcement, this baby didn't come easy and we know we are blessed.
Again, some things I learned:
Taken from my part one post, try not to ask acquaintances the questions, "are you having kids", "are you having a third kid", "when are going to start trying" "it's about time for another". Unless you really know the person, they may have been trying for years. Not every persons story turns out the way ours did or the way yours did.
And PLEASE, don't do April Fool's Day pregnancy jokes. This isn't a joke. You don't know what some of your Facebook 'friends' are going through. I understand it is meant to be funny, but pick something else. This is sensitive. Raw. Real. It is not a joke. It is a daily struggle that makes men and women feel helpless and hurt.
To conclude, pray for your friends who are going through fertility. Pray for your friends who are pregnant. Listen to them if they choose to tell you about their story. Never underestimate what a person may be going through or what it took to get there.
We are so thankful for all of our kids even though they all came to us a bit differently. We know our family is complete and I pray that one day, you will be able to know that feeling, too.
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| Our beautiful blessing <3 |
LOVE THIS!! And Love you.... Thanks for your vulnerability. You are making a difference and you have been a given a great gift with your words. MUah! :)
ReplyDeleteGod is Good...what a rollercoaster ride you guys were put on! You both are truly inspiring for others and so good to talk about it, as soo many ppl are not alone!! I love you all and so happy for all of you❤
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful family of 5 you are. Thanks for sharing your story and for being so REAL. Your Journey to Ella story is so powerful. (And she is such a cutie!)
ReplyDelete