Our Journey to Ella: Part One

This topic is near and dear to my heart and my first super personal post. I had a difficult time writing this and am nervous to publish it but as my sister told me, maybe it will help just one person. Here is the beginning of our story...

Early 2014 - I'm married. I have two boys. Jace is almost 1 1/2. Jaxon is almost 4 1/2. I am in graduate school getting my masters.

We decide we wanted to start trying for our 3rd and final baby hoping Jace and new baby will be a little closer in age than Jace and Jaxon (1 month under 3 years apart). I had my IUD removed and they said I would be able to conceive within a few months. I hadn't had my cycle in over 2 years with being pregnant and then the IUD. When it came back, it was all messed up so I gave it time. After about 6 months of being very irregular, I made an appointment and had many tests and ultrasounds completed. 

Then on Halloween of 2014, I finally get that positive test. We had been trying for about 8 months which felt like FOREVER. Here we are at my sisters and we had found out I was pregnant about 2 hours earlier.

At my clinic, they don't immediately schedule you for appointments, but you do some blood work. I went in to get my HCG levels. I got a call that they weren't as high as they would like to see them and so they wanted me to repeat them in 3 days. After that, things supposedly looked good and from all my online research, I was confident we were in the clear.

I went through the next month, including Thanksgiving, telling only a couple people. We decided we were going to tell our families at Christmas time. We also had not told our kids. I had too many friends who had suffered losses that I did not want to have to explain that to a now 2 and 5 year old. 

On December 2nd, I had my first appointment and ultrasound. She asked if I wanted the ultrasound first which I did and so she started the process. I could tell she was concerned and then she told me she is having a hard time finding the fetus. She asked me to go to the bathroom (I was in a gown at this time so she had me go back into the nurses/doctors stations and use their restroom). When I came back she tried again. She was seeing the gestational sac but the fetal pole was only measuring 6 weeks 1 day which was about 4 weeks behind where I should be based off my last menstrual cycle. It was already 4:00pm by this point and offices were closing {on a Friday}. She called all over town to get me in for a higher quality ultrasound. Thankfully, we were able to drive across town, rather than wait the weekend, and get another ultrasound. 

That evening, my doctor called me to tell me the findings were the same. She scheduled a follow up appointment for two days later to see if anything had changed. Nothing had grown and they weren't finding cardiac activity. She said I would miscarry and they could tell the blood was beginning to build up. She told me what to expect when that happens. I had more blood work done so they could monitor my HCG levels. 

The next morning, I woke up to go take my counselor preparation comprehensive exam (CPCE). The standardized test I HAD to pass to graduate. I don't even know how I passed. I think it has to do with the fact that I am not a procrastinator and so I had done a lot of prepping the weeks prior. What a mess I was for this test...and I had to make excuses as to why I had to go home right afterwards rather than go for a few drinks with my girlfriends. I was pregnant. But I was going to miscarry. I definitely wasn't ready to talk about it and I definitely wasn't ready to have a drink.

I started miscarrying three days later.  Three days is a LONG time knowing you have a fetus inside you that is not growing. I tried to go about my regular life all while having a tiny glimpse of hope that maybe they were wrong. As anyone who has been past 8 weeks of a miscarriage knows, they tell you to look for tissue. They need to make sure it all passes. As luck would have it, I never saw the tissue and my HCG levels weren't where they wanted them. Hence, another ultrasound to see if there was anything left. The sac was still there.

On December 17th, two weeks after I found out the horrible news, I had a dilation and curettage (D & C) procedure where they put you under to surgically remove the remaining tissue. When I got to the same day surgery clinic and was going through the intake procedures, the nurse asked, "Is there any possibility you could be pregnant?" How in the world do you answer that question? Is that a yes or no? I was so irritated I started crying. The nurse was getting looks from some of the other nurses and was told to move on to the next question. 

After the procedure, I went home to rest and then had to start preparing for Christmas festivities while trying to remain upbeat for my excited boys. I was an emotional mess through the Christmas season and I love Christmas. I went to work and tried to hide what was going on. I didn't want people to feel bad for me. I hate having attention on myself. So I went, every day. For me, it was a way to keep my mind off things. Inside, I was a complete mess. I had so many questions. I was so confused. I eventually told a couple of my co-workers who could tell something wasn't right and they were so supportive as were my parents and siblings. They helped me get through this Christmas. 

Christmas 2014

 

From horrible situations, I always ask what I learned. 

Here are some things I learned from having a miscarriage:

1. Don't ever tell someone 'it wasn't meant to be' or 'it was probably a blessing'. Don't make 'at least' statements. Just don't.

2. People aren't being rude when they wait to announce their pregnancy news. I would have been even more of a mess if all of Facebook would have been told we were expecting. I almost did it. I thought I was 11 weeks pregnant. I thought I was in the clear. I did not want every body knowing I had miscarried but I likely would of had to say something had Facebook known.

3. This goes along with the fertility treatments I will discuss on Wednesday, but don't ask women you barely know 'are you going to have any more kids' or 'it's about time to start trying for another'. Over Christmas break and the next year I received these comments so many times and it was like a little stab in the heart each time.

4. I still will never forget about the baby that was due on July 7th {one of my BFF's birthdays} but the hurt did lessen and the pain did weaken.

5. I am now comfortable talking about this topic with my family and friends {many who have gone through similar experiences}, but some people may not want to talk about it. Don't make them. If they do decide to talk about it, just listen. Don't offer advice. Don't bring up future babies. Give them a hug. Give them time.

6. There's nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I spent so many nights thinking about the things I had done and if it 'caused' my miscarriage. I sent my doctor so many messages wondering if this or that would have affected my pregnancy. 

On Wednesday, I will talk about the next two years of fertility treatments {you can find that here}. If you are struggling, please reach out to me. I would love to talk to you, pray for you, or simply listen to you.